The Dating Game
The Dating Game (and associated scary stories) 26-January-2012
Last night I saw a friend’s facebook status go from ‘In a relationship’ to ‘Single’, and I spent some time trying to find a way to change my status from ‘Single’ to ‘Still Single’. There isn’t an option for that. What gives???
I’m not good at dating. It’s not a secret. Even though it’s not something I forget, it would also seem that I get frequent reminders. Most of the time I’m glad I’m not good at it. If I were good at dating, wouldn’t that also mean I’m bad at being a keeper? Yet without dating at least a little, there’s no one to ‘keep’. It’s a vicious cycle. A circle with no beginning or end. The chicken and/or the egg?… And all that.
There are lots of reasons. Most of the time I’m so flat broke that if I do have a few spare bucks, I spend it on and with my kids. Dating is ubercomplicated at, ahem, ‘my age’ and with kids. I’m not an incredibly social person. I don’t drink. Dating web sites are… Oy. Lots of reasons. Excuses? Cover stories? I really don’t know. I say that a lot. There are lots of things I don’t know.
However, there *are* a few things I’ve learned about people in the dating arena, or at least the ones I seem to come across in my stage of life. Here are some sweeping generalizations that I am certain may generate angry letters to me. Oh dear, I’ll end up single!
Seinfeld: Some people are only dating so that they can ‘win’ the relationship, like that episode of Seinfeld. They date only long enough to find a flaw that makes the other party unworthy, and/or a reason to dump them, even if they only had one date. It seems like they think that they get points for ‘winning’ the dates/relationships. In any case, since their goal is to ‘win’, the game is of limited duration no matter who wins or loses.
Lonely: Just dating cuz he or she is afraid to be alone, and/or is simply lonely. Will die without that half that makes them whole. Is incomplete without a ‘partner’. This person is seeking a boyfriend or girlfriend. A warm body to fit that ‘spot’ in their lives, with little regard or thought given to whether or not this or that particular dating partner is really anything more than a placeholder.
Popularity: This is like a spin-off of the Seinfeld group above. Somehow, the more actual single dates this person has, the better they feel about themselves. This person isn’t looking for relationship ‘wins’, they’re looking to pad their numbers like an accountant doctoring the books… “I had so many dates last year, I blah blah blah…” So, 200 dates with 175 different people makes them super cool? It’s a bragging rights thing? Signing up to be number 176 doesn’t seem like it could be the end of that story.
Jenga: It’s the ‘Popularity’ group above, but for the refined pro dater who needs to have a lot of romances going at once. Like Jenga! The taller the shaky tower, the better! Quick to build another shaky tower as soon as one round ends in a heap. Somehow, the added complication of a 7th dimension to the already chaotic hundreds of dates creates more fulfillment for this person. ? It’s the challenge? Iunno.
Hobby: Just a way to meet people and try new things, but not really looking for a long term relationship. If the stars lined up properly, they might settle down and give up dating, but if not, they’re in no hurry to choose the wrong person to fill any voids. This is kind of the joyride group? Like cruising. No destination, just enjoying the ride. I think.
Marriage or Bust: “I’m going to be married in the next 3 months. If I get married, I can have a bigger house, a newer car, retire sooner, etc…” This seems more like a business transaction to me than anything else. One that seems far more likely to fund a divorce than a retirement. Oy. Again.
Image: This person dates because they worry about what people might think if they don’t. People might think they’re gay. People might think they can’t get a date. People might think they’re unlovable if they’re not in a relationship. Must be something wrong with him or her if he or she is single? As if the presence or absence of a mate is somehow a measure of the individual?
Trade-In: This group is always dating someone, but always looking for something ‘better’ to ‘trade up’ to. This person is never ‘off-limits’ or in a relationship they wouldn’t ditch if they thought the next person had more to offer. Always shopping.
Horny: #selfexplanatory (<<<how many of you saw the word ‘sex’ in this tag, then went back to re-read it?)
I’m apparently doing it wrong. I don’t think any of the above reasons to date are good reasons to date. I’m not incomplete without a woman in my life. I don’t care what people think… about anything really, let alone what they might think of me being single. Not in any hurry to remarry. No desire to rack up big bragging points about how much or often I date. I would just like to find someone whose company I enjoy, and then date that person. Just one. One at a time. For as long as it’s good for both of us. Really simple. Yet apparently not at all how other people do it.
I guess it seems like most people date just to date. Like the gameshow. Like a sport or a hobby or a recreation? Whereas, I see it as something I’d like to do with the right person. Date her. Thus the confusion, at least on my part. I’m looking for a person, while it seems other people are looking for dates.
Anyway… this is going in circles, just like it always does inside my head, so I’ll get to what little point I’m able to make to myself on the matter: All the while, over the past 5 or 6 years of being a bachelor, trying to figure all that out, that massive investment that I see others make in dating, I haven’t made. And since I haven’t invested myself in dating, I’ve had more of myself to give to my kids. And because of that, well… we’re the family that we are. A really good one.
You know that little tip of the Ying that is just a sliver next to the head of the Yang? Yeah, that’s what dating is to me. That little sliver of one thing that allows more room for something else in the bigger picture… I think. There’s room for all of it in the proper proportions, but unless you give each thing the right real estate, the synergy gets broken. I think The Oracle tried to tell me this once. I just didn’t ‘get it’ then… I take back everything I said about doing it wrong. *Whew*. I’m glad I had this talk with me!!!
Cheers from The ThreeFiveZero Bachelor
